How to set consequences when training your child

Here's a great parenting tip from Empowering Parents. Wish I'd known this stuff.

A frequent question we hear from parents is, “What should I choose as a consequence?”

Our answer is always to choose a task-specific consequence. These are the consequences that will help your child practice skills and behaviors that need improvement.

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6 ways to turn a bad day into a "good day"

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day  

As Alexander in the famous children's book "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad day"  can tell us - somedays it might be better to just stay in bed. The trouble is: you never know when you are going to have a "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day". They just happen. When that day does happen, here are some ways to "Turn a Bad Day Around"*.  

Shawn Achor, author of The Happiness Advantage says that “Studies show that when you’re positive, you’re 31% more productive, you’re 40% more likely to receive a promotion, you have 23% fewer health-related effects from stress, and your creativity rates triple,”  Wow! I would like to be 31% more productive, have 23% fewer stress related health problems and be more creative.

So, how can we turn a bad day into a good day according to the experts? 

Pinpoint the problem

Have you ever said "I'm in a bad mood"? Someone might ask you "why?" and you answer "I don't know! I just am!"  Maybe your employer asks "Why do have that black expression on your face today?" Or your friend asks "What's wrong with you today?" You answer "Oh, I'm just having one of those days", but you are so busy you haven't stopped to focus on what is happening inside of your heart.  We need to give ourselves an emotional check-up several times a day. If you pray before meals, this is a great time to quiet yourself and ask "How am I feeling? What's going on in my heart?" If we can catch our bad moods early, we have a better chance of turning around our day.  If you find that you are upset, angry or sad try to pinpoint the cause. When did it start? What triggered these feelings? "I'm upset because my ma'am wouldn't listen to my explanation" OR "my friend won't answer my FB pm". Once you pinpoint the cause you can step back and refrain the picture:  "My ma'am was late for work and didn't have time to listen to me. Lord give her a good day today."  OR, "my friend probably has her phone off, is vacuuming, low bat, etc. I'll just be patient. She has a job to do too." Sometimes you might pinpoint an issue that needs addressing and you can pray and plan how to do that.

Take a moment to be thankful

Studies show that it is almost impossible to be thankful and depressed at the same time. When you find yourself experiencing negative emotions or a negative stream of thought - stop and find 3 things to be thankful for. "Lord thank you that I'm inside during this rainstorm and that the roof doesn't leak"; "thank you for this moment to relax and enjoy a cup of coffee"; "thank you for my friend Maria who sent me that funny joke this morning". You get the picture. There are plenty of things to say "thank you" for. Is your family well? kids doing ok in school? Do you have friends who support you? money in your pocket? a flush toilet? Choosing to be thankful is a great way to turn around your day. 

Take action

Do something positive! Taking even a small positive action can re-boot your emotions. Something as small as making your bed, doing some push-ups or sit-ups, eating a healthy snack like an apple when you would normally eat candy, pausing to witness something beautiful, a butterfly on a flower -- these actions can change the flow of your day. Better still, are small actions done for others - a small note in your ma'am's lunchbox saying "Thank you for being a great employer! I hope you have a wonderful day today!"; a FB note to a friend saying "Just wanted you to know that your sharing last Sunday was soooo encouraging. I'm grateful for you!" 

Change your routine

I can already hear you saying, "You're kidding right? My schedule is determined by my employer and every 15 minutes is accounted for. In addition to that she has cameras recording my every move. I can't stay in the CR too long without her commenting on it."  I agree - parts of our lives are regulated by others: bosses, teachers, etc., still we DO control some of our time. Stopping on the way to the market to admire and take a photo of a beautiful butterfly, flower or an interesting street scene can reboot your emotions. For me an uplifting song or music video like the theme to Rocky Balboa , totally reinvigorates me. 

Have realistic expectations

“Expectations can have a huge impact on mood,” says Achor.   “If I expect my flight to be canceled and it’s only three hours delayed, then I’m going to be thrilled. But if I expect it to be on time and then it’s delayed, then I’m going to be upset.” This sounds like I am saying "don't have expectations" or "expect the worst".  I am NOT trying to sell pessimism. We should be optimistic, but we need to also keep our feet planted firmly in reality. A realistic optimist expects life to be tough, but also looks for small graces (like a flower poking up through a crack in the concrete) and is grateful for them. If we expect our employer to be tough, then we are grateful and happy when they treat us kindly. If we expect them to be worried about the food budget, then we are thankful when they tell us to "eat more!" Have realistic expectations and 

Learn from your bad days to prevent future ones

Bad days are inevitable - unhappiness is optional!  When you do have a bad day, take time to review what happened and try to figure out why. If there were interpersonal conflicts, what percentage was your responsibility? What triggers set you off, made you lose your temper, started the black mood, etc.? What can you learn from this "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day".  Determine what you will do in the future to lessen the impact of a "Terrible, Horrible, No good, very bad day." Write it down. I hope that all your days are fantastic and full of balloons and butterflies, but when life finally does happen, and the sky comes crashing down, take action early and turn it around.

** Adapted from an article in the Harvard Business Review entitled "How to turn a bad day around".

5 Things your helper needs to be happy at work

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Filipino domestic helpers come to work in Hong Kong because they NEED money. They stay because they FEEL HAPPY in their work. If they don't feel happy in their work, no matter how much they need the money - they will sooner or later terminate the contract.  Here is what they need to happy at work. I've adapted these from a Fortune Magazine article entitled "Research shows you need these 5 things to be happy at work". 

Work that challenges you. 

We're already in trouble. Domestic helpers do housework, right? Wrong! Domestic helpers are household managers who keep the family and household running well ENABLING you to perform at your peak in your job and as a spouse and parent. Would Batman be able to function without Alfred Pennyworth his butler? What would Ironman be without his artificial intelligence Jarvis? Your helper's role in your family is important. If you don't tell her how important her role is, she will think of herself as a housecleaner, a maid, only. She won't perform at her optimum level and she won't stay long term.  Tell her how important her work is!

A sense of progress

We have a saying "a woman's work is never done". Housework is repetitive work and sometimes your helper feels like she is going no where in this job. She needs to know that 1) her performance is getting better and 2) the family is making progress. Every so often give her a high five, a well done! Let her know how much better organized things are now. 

No fear

Too many of our employers create a climate of fear for their helpers. They frequently scold them, shout at them, and threaten to fire them. We've even had male employers say "I will kill you if anything happens to my child."   Imagine if your boss regularly threatened you - how would it effect your job performance? We have a word for someone who constantly berates, criticizes and calls others names:  BULLY.  Create a climate of fear and your helper will leave.

Autonomy

Stephen Covey in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People tells the story of training his teenage son to take care of the lawn during the summer. He told him he could choose how to achieve the goal but the standard for the yard was "clean and green". He then defined what "clean" was and what "green" was, and then left it to his son to achieve the goal. Like all workers, helpers hate to be micro-managed. Clearly define your goals and standards, but give them some freedom in how they finish the work. I

Belonging

When a helper comes to your home she is a "stranger in a strange land". She is desparate for acceptance and hopes your family will embrace her. This is not always the case, so Arrow has created a supportive community for helpers. Our 4 week followup classes help new arrivals build relationships with each other and mature Filipino leaders. Helpers who feel a part of the families they serve are happier and more well adjusted. 

Are these 5 things important to you in your job? How can you create a work environment where the work is challenging, where  workers have a sense of progress, where there is no fear, autonomy is rewarded and where there is a deep sense of  belonging,?  Share your thoughts. Leave a comment. 

Any Given Sunday

Here is a great article about HK Filipino culture and food, featuring some of our own JIFF/Arrow ladies, our Central team.

The power of a kind word

            Snip from a facebook message

One of our Arrow employers called to ask me about an issue with their helper who has been with them for 1.5 years. During the conversation they told me that she was good helper and tney appreciated her service to their family.  I used to facebook to contact the helper and ask a question for the employer. During our FB conversation I told her that her employer was grateful for her good service.  Her response is in the screen clip to the right:

"I'm still crying Pastor because I never expect and surprised me that they say that I'm very good (word supplied). I'm very thankful and God is good po." 

Filipino helpers are often starved for a word of encouragement. Hong Kong people don't praise a child once he past 3-5 years old. Once a kid hits school there is no more "lek jai, lek nui". 90% of the burden to adapt is on the Filipino helper, but the employer should also make an effort to adapt a little to meet the helper's needs. One of the biggest needs the helpers have is for a word of encouragement, some praise, a kind word once in a while. They would like to hear you say "that's delicious" or "I'm really grateful for you," or "good job". If you want to keep a helper long term, learn to give some affirming feedback.  They will strive with all their heart to please you if you give them some encouragement.

The chaos of parenting

Most of our customers are having their first kid and hiring their first helper. This video is dedicated to you. Welcome to parenthood.

howdoesshe.com guide to

Found this good 5 step approach to cleaning a room. Great for kids, but could be helpful for training a new helper too. 

20 Ways to Fall In Love All Over Again

20 Ways to Fall In Love All Over Again http://flip.it/SFIQ1 

Does your helper know what to do in an emergency?

Melanie from Helpwise.com.hk has some wise advice on getting your helper prepared to deal with emergencies.

Tagumpay June 21,2015

Sunday morning Tagumpay takes over the office 

Want healthy kids? Let them play outside and get dirty

This controversial parenting theory about health and cleanliness will make you question your childhood http://flip.it/iFQaG 

Pregnancy time lapse wow!

Arrow 's Kathy teaches baby yoga

Can you be both yourself and Mom?

My Greatest Parenting Failure http://flip.it/L5OSL 

Are you a "nag"?

I read this insightful "self examination" by a woman who realized she was abusing her husband with all of her nagging.  Employers (usually female employers) sometimes treat their helpers the same way. It makes everyone's life miserable. Have a read, and leave a comment.  Click HERE to read it now.

26 new applicants

26  new applicants showed up for our 1 week long orientation today. We'll be posting their bios in the next few days. Stayed tuned. 

My helper wants to go home to the Philippines. What should I do?

Recently we've had several employers call us to say "my helper didn't come back after Christmas." In one case the helper had only been here for one month.  Helpers come with the understanding that the contract is 2 years and that they may be required to complete the 2 years before having a long break back in the Philippines. What should you do if your helper asks to go back to the Philippines before she is eligible for annual leave or before she has finished her contract? Here are some suggested replies or actions :

               You're Kidding? Right?

• "Are you kidding? You've been here ___ months and you want a vacation already?"
• "I'm sorry. We can't afford to have to you gone just now."
• "Sorry, No."
• "You're really funny. I thought you were serious. Good joke."

Seriously, if your helper asks for time off and she is not due for annual leave or finishing her contract do the following:

Do's

• Listen Objectively: Don't pay attention to tears or distraught emotions. Ask questions and try your best to find out the facts. E.G. your helper says, "my father is sick." Tell her "I'm so sorry to hear this. What is his name? What hospital is he in?" Be compassionate, but keep your objectivity, and get the facts.
• Call Arrow: We can put a Tagalog speaker on the line with your helper and do our best to find out the situation. If she is upset, then it will be important for her to express herself in her own language. We'll ask questions and through our agency in the Philippines we'll try to verify her story and see what help we can give the family.
• Ask for Philippine phone #s and contact information so we can contact the family in case the helper is delayed coming back. 
• Have a back up plan. If your helper doesn't come back on time or doesn't come back at all, what will you do? Do you have relatives to fill in while you wait for a new helper? How will you handle this?

• Send your helper to Tagumpay: If the helper is dealing with homesickness, then the best solutions are Arrow's Tagumpay classes and a regular day off. It amazes me sometimes when an employer who denies their helper a day off - is then surprised that she disappears the first time she goes back to the Philippines. They deprive her of everything Filipino: (food, language and friends that she experiences on her day off) and then are surprised that she didn't finish the contract.  Really? If you helper is homesick, don't send her home, send her to Tagumpay and church on Saturday or Sunday.

Don'ts

• Don't believe everything you hear. We have heard stories of fathers and grandfathers passing away, so we call the family in the Philippines and the "deceased" family member answers the phone. We had one helper who told her employer that her grandmother passed away, but the employer remember that the helper had already used this excuse for an earlier trip home. 
• Don't pay for the air ticket. If an employee is taking vacation or personal time off then they should buy their own air ticket. 
• Don't pay salary in advance, but rather withhold some salary in case they don't return. If your helper has been with a long time and earned your trust, then giving advances and help in emergencies is a good thing to do, but when the helper has been here a short time only, we recommend against it. 
• Don't Panic. If the helper doesn't return on time, let us call her family to find out why? If there was a typhoon or just "bad planning"- it only takes a phone call to get the facts. Once you have the facts you can decide what to do. 

Always call Arrow. You've paid for our service. Use it. 2151-1125.

If you helper doesn't come back, we'll do our best to help you find a goo

Breakfast for helpers

Growing up in the US our breakfast consisted of cereal and milk, bacon and eggs and toast. The slogan on the Wheaties box said "breakfast of Champions". Last night some newly arrived helpers stayed at my house. This morning I found this on the table. They were planning on eating crackers for breakfast and I'm afraid that is what they ate last night for dinner.  We made scrambled eggs and toast.

Feed your helper well. Do you want a smart helper? Feed her well. Brain cells need protein and a good supply of calories to function properly. Housework is hard work. Take care of your helper and she will take good care of you and your family. 

It's time to say "Thank you!"

         "In everything give thanks" 
         

Recent research affirms what we all know to be true "grateful people are happier, less depressed, less stressed and more satisfied with their lives and social relationships." (Wikipedia)  We would all be more happy and healthy if we imitated Pollyanna.

Pollyanna is the young heroine of a famous children's book, Pollyanna by Eleanor Porter. When her mother dies Pollyanna is sent to live with her wealthy, but sour aunt. Pollyanna has developed a philosophy of life that focuses on gratitude and staying positive. She always plays what she calls "The Glad Game." The glad game is simple: find something to be glad about in whatever situation you face. One Christmas when her parents were still alive, the local church allowed the family to choose a present from the missionary barrel.  Pollyanna was hoping for a doll, but the barrel held only a pair of crutches. Her father made up the glad game and they decided they could be glad, because they didn't need the crutches. Pollyanna developed a habit of gratitude that not only helped her but changed those around her.

I am grateful to God for all the wonderful customers and friends he has given us over the years. I'm grateful for the helpers we have helped find work and for the positive changes we've seen in the lives of many of them. I'm grateful for our Arrow team, who everyday serve with heart and mind. Our office is a cross-cultural mix of Americans, Hong Kong Chinese and Filipinos. We have learned so much from each other. It is a privilege to go to work with this team. Sometimes it is so fun, it doesn't seem like work at all. I'm super grateful for my wife Ione, my daughters Jen and Colleen, and for my grandson, Ethan.  I could go on and on, but now it's your turn. Who and what are you grateful for?

Please come and join us in giving thanks to God this November 23rd. Please let your Arrow lady know the details and encourage her to attend. It is good to give thanks.

Allan is the CEO and founder of Arrow Employment Services

Allan Smith, Arrow

3 ways to help your helper stay happily married

Should you care about the state of your helper's marriage? If you are a decent person the answer is clearly "YES!"  And surprisingly, if you are a selfish Prig, the answer is still "YES!"

Almost all our customers tell us they want a helper who will stay for more than 1 contract. At the very least, they want their helper to finish her contract. They also prefer to hire happily marriaged women.  

Question 1: Would you still be happily married if your husband didn't see you for 2 years? Do you think your helper will still be happily married if her husband doesn't see her for 2 years?

Some of my family are in long distance relationships, with a spouse or boyfriend working in another country. It is really stressful. My wife and I pray for them every day.

Question 2: If your helpers marriage starts to break down, how do you think it will effect her job performance? Under those circumstances do you think she will complete her contract?

Here is the part where it doesn't matter if you are a decent person or are motivated purely by self interest (My wife says I shouldn't say "selfish prig"). Helpers resign from their jobs to go home and try and save their marriages, or to find caregivers for their children after their marriage has crumbled under the pressure of working overseas.

Question 3: Is there something you can do to help your helper stay happily married? 

Disclaimer: 50% of marriages fail according to statistics, so there is no ironclad guarantee that any relationship will last for a lifetime. Having said that, there are definitely some things you can do to improve your helper's chance of staying happily married.

1. Give her a set time everyday to chat with her family. Talk with her about the best 2-3 times of the day where she could talk to her husband and kids for 30 minutes. Choose a time that works for both you and her, then stick to it. 
2. Plan for her to go home to the Philippines 2 times a year. The Philippines is only 2 hours away. There is NO reason she shouldn't be able to go home 2 times a year. Even a long weekend will refresh her family relationships.
   • Go to cebupacificair.com and sign up for their "seat sale" emails. Share them with your helper and buy the tickets ahead of time.
   • Salary deduct in advance for the price of the ticket. It is the helper's responsibility to pay for her ticket.
   • Give her a few hours off to go to Philippines Consulate for her OEC so she won't have problems on the return leg.
   • Send some small presents home to her family to say "thank you for sharing your wife and mother with our family."
   • Ask your helper to agree to a birth control shot before she leaves to make sure she doesn't get pregnant on her trip.
3. Don't constantly remind your helper about "how good you treat her compared to other employers" or complain about the time she spends with her family.  Sometimes we think we deserve a halo for doing the right thing. Remember, even if you are a selfish prig, helping your helper stay happily married helps you keep a valuable employee. In the long run, you will reap many blessings.

A screenshot from Cebupacificair.com taken today. LOOK! They are having a sale!